Fans of Metal Gear Solid will find this one oddly familiar.
Calorie Mate is a meal replacement - sold as blocks of flavoured 'health bar'. Each bar is 100 calories, and also claims to be packed with vitamins.
Why the name? I'll let the makers explain:
"Calorie Mate contains a balance of five nutrients (protein, fat, sugars, vitamins, and minerals), making it a good “friend” for ensuring a balanced diet."
It's not designed as something to rely on for dieting. It's not actually 'health food', because most of those calories are carbs and fat, just... less of them than usual. And I suspect if you swapped out every meal for a Calorie Mate bar, you'd start losing the will to live.
When I picked this up at a convenience store, I had the choice between Vanilla (Plain), Chocolate, Cheese, Fruits, and Maple. The ratio of sweet to savoury options there is a little disconcerting. Yes, I want to replace my dinner with a fruit salad...
I went for the cheese. I've been burned by artificial fruit flavours before. (Seriously, you should see the roof of my mouth.) That, and apparently the cheese version was the first Calorie Mate that went on sale. Original and best? We shall see.
Yep, that's me. At a train station, waiting for my connection, getting sunburnt legs, wondering why I didn't just stop in at a restaurant for a proper lunch.
Before even subjecting myself to the Calorie Mate, I had to make it past the packaging.
"CALORIE MATE BLOCK is a nutritionally balanced source of the energy needed for daily activities. CALORIE MATE BLOCK is naturally suited for people on-the-go who need an easy source of energy and nutrition - at breakfast, work, sports, study, or any busy time."
Pros:
- nice use of the Oxford Comma there, Calorie Mate, well done
- Engrish seems legit
- nutritional balance is the kind of balance we like
Cons:
- OH HAI THERE ALL CAPS
- why must all my time be busy
I peeled open the packet and peeked at the bars.
Oh hell, they look like shortbread. This isn't going to be fun for my tastebuds or my brain.
The cheese aroma was fairly realistic, which was a comfort. Had that not been the case, the review would've ended here. CALORIE MATE BLOCKED.
Calorie Mate bars are surprisingly soft and crumbly, when you bite into them. If you're anything like me, you'll prepare for the hardness of shortbread and chomp the bar clean in half. Don't do that.
The taste is... powdery. Like giving up on making protein shakes and eating the mix straight from the jar. You could easily get away with handing this to a kid and calling it 'space food'. It lumps together as you chew, like a badly stirred Ovaltine. I wouldn't advise eating this without a drink handy.
Strangely, that 'powder' feeling extends to the cheese taste - it's similar to shaking a can of parmesan into your mouth. (Some people like doing that. I'm not one of them. I'm just imagining here.)
Verdict: 4/10. Calorie Casual Acquaintance. If I'm going to take something out of my diet, it'll be this.